Monday, April 03, 2006


This is an idea I stole from Priest’s blog (which I love despite it’s angst), who stole it from Darkneuro (whose blog scares me), and hopefully someone will steal it from me. The idea is, you write ten messages, things you wish you could say to people but probably never will. The only other rules are that you don’t say who each message is for, and you can only write one to a person. Because I have problems following directions, I wrote 11. I’m also going to cheat a tiny bit and tell you that one is to a student, three are to CETPers, six are to Americans, five are to Hungarians, five are to men, six are to women, one is to two people, and one is to more than two people. So here goes:

1. I like being around you but I can’t stand how you use humor to keep people at a distance. You’re so good at it, it’s barely obvious 90% of the time. Which makes it all the more disturbing and sad when your facade slips. You’re a great person, but you need psychological help.

2. If we had met in America, I wouldn’t have liked you. I don’t know if being in Hungary has made me a more accepting person or maybe I’m just desperate for English-speaking contact, but in any case I am thankful beyond words that you’re in my life.

3. You are my icon. It’s for you that I try to live a good life and be a good person.

4. You are the victim of the most terrible thing I’ve ever done, and I’m not sorry.

5. Once a week you terrorize me without feeling the least bit of regret or shame about it. I can’t imagine what is in your head to make you believe that the way you behave is anywhere near acceptable. I think deep down you are just a horrible human being and I don’t think you’ll make it past age 30 without being killed or incarcerated or both.

6. I wish I were part of your family.

7. I wish you could understand me. In either language. In any langauge.

8. I don’t miss you as much as I tell you I do. In fact, I barely miss you at all.

9. I miss you more than I can say. I don’t think a day has gone past when I haven’t thought about seeing you. I drive myself crazy making up scenarios: What if my doorbell rang and it was you? What if I were walking up the street and saw you standing there? What if I ran into you in the store? I know it’s completely impossible but I can’t stop. Just thinking about you makes me smile, makes me calm, makes me whole.

10. When only the two of us are together, I enjoy being with you. When there are other people around, you act like a completely different person, and not a better one.

11. I think about you every couple of weeks and it scares me that it should be so infrequently. I’m afraid that when there’s no one tying us together, we’ll lose touch completely and that there might be a point when you’re not part of my life at all.

That’s all for now - tomorrow afternoon I’m off to Transylvania, so in about a week I should be back with some new stories. Hopefully good ones.


jrj said...

wow. that's pretty interesting. nice work.

Gaines said...

Good times, Emily! Tell me, please, that #5 is to a student!

LI Team said...

Hi - I found your blog and wanted to know if you'd be interested in sharing with me some of your experiences in Hungary? I'm in the beverage business and need some help. Thanks.

Yerik said...

they're all about me, aren't they.

*gets rope and heads to Sóstó to find a good tree...*

priest said...

Hi Emily.

Priest here. My blog had drowned in its own angst :)and i have started a new one. I would be honoured if you popped by and said hello.

have a good trip.


Gaines said...

Welcome back to Hungary (as opposed to what should be Hungary... blame Romania), Emily! You'll be missed in Ukraine, but I hope you have a wonderful break and that you enjoy your game. Go Olaj!

indiana said...

Okay so I'm going to stop thinking about this and sleep but my first productive thought now regarding these is to ask families in therapy to write statements that of things they have felt they can't say to others (both w/in the family in treatment and others, some may be dead). A lot of what goes on, in my limited understanding, with both families and individuals is "catastrophic fears" make people afraid to do sutff, and "rules" that aren't stated make people feel its not allowed. This gets at that, although the issue is already gotten at in other ways, BUT I think that's a prosocial way of using this idea.